pace is the trick

Waking up to the same noises 
worrying if I lost the ability to cry back there
because
Everything was so sad 
you're amazed by anything again
you watch it happen:
Sadness leaves it's mark
and
The wound is now a scar.
You dreamed about it-
the pace of nature//the space that heals you
you wake up to that place and look in the mirror
finally//with both eyes open
telling yourself:
--I am not ashamed nor proud
a mark is a mark is a mark
Without knowing it everyone has broken someones heart.

the road with the echo

i can't take it
you're pushing too hard
the screaming is constant
my nerves are shot
those feelings are gone
they were-
shot dead.
and yes,
for awhile they lied here
still,
inside me.
weighty like dead animals

my garden turned new colors
every second of the day
my eyes grew wider
my skin lighter
then darker
then pale 
pale as pale can be
much like the white one might see
before you reach eternity.
the noise continues
and as for me:
all that's left now is bones
percing the
wounds
and
places
of
what was once alive inside my 
being
now everything is dead

and a faint voice is down the road far off in the distance 
he keeps screaming something about
hope
so i mark down the word
hope
inside my notebook
and i wait for his screams to come again
perhaps this whole thing
is not about me.

blank state

love exposes you and that scares me. 

my heart has been fenced off, like a crime scene,please look down or look away,please. the guarded fragile woman and her restless nerves...returning.

i suppose I've held back,gone home and gone to bed.

i run from the openness of  that man... all the while holding a longing that just keeps on...lasting.

and here he is :

at last.

like a dream that has left his mark

waking up asking the pain why it came back,

hitting panic mode,back to fevers,back to aches

back to the cruelty of loving him once again,instantly.

returning to that nightmare where I'm waking up on a sidewalk or a car or a stuffy hotel room and he is gone and he,he is just silent.

hotel beds and ocean dreams

on my birthday i wore the wrong dress,fell into a hotel bed sobbing and laughing with a few girlfriends who cheered me up and as they fell off to sleep i spoke on the telephone to a california dream and he was brave for me,and very sweet.  for my next love I'm going to wear his name on the back of my leather jacket which seems alot cooler than wearing a heart on your sleeve. i think the loneliness has been eating me up believe it or not + i don't think you get used to a nun heart when you've been created for romance and things. even with the spirit living inside me i think its alright that I'm thirsty.keeping to the pace of nature. living in "the ocean of truth"..thankful for this grand ole gift called LIFE. i remain loving and affectionately yours.  spirit,soul,body,heartbeat                                            xx.

1

oh ,

it spins me in such a spirial!

image comes across my-

vision.

watch as :

the kissing goes away

with time and distance.

critical of mostly,myself.

for the right reasons.

im alive even though i am not making any noise

dead is the last thing on my mind it was the digging we enjoy.

he was something i could spoil,

 i won't wake you:

up from sleeping or take you:

  away from your work -    and

keep focus" sorry to be calling now.."

with my silence ,

and my ways,

and my longing sad nature,

and doe eyes, and quiet mouth. oh!- hear that go off,watch the fire oddly start and then just....stop. as if i was in charge of nature,naturally,no.

tricking you is the last thing i will ever do.

don't let me ever fool you

with the shape of my eyes,look past the lines

i've never lied,never lied to you ,

to you.

the worst is here

the worst is here

the worst is almost over

its all significant

im so much better with basic shapes

and lines

alone-i am all alone

i am saving my heart for one man from now on.

one.

don't look down at the grave as you bury it.

        

         lacking psychical contact 

           there is no more love here not a drop     

 i  

      sit in public places for a fix 

      the imitation of life 

      bodies i am here for the bodies .

      i am invisible then a person speaks to me 

     and the room it changes it's pace and then the person

     goes away and i am alone again

    again

              there is no love here

  you gotta go where there is love a place filled with people that know you are in town 

      

               eyes don't seem that pretty my skin looks strange and new i hate looking in the mirror who the hell is this woman why  can days get like this it seems cruel/unsafe 

        i read once that traumatic events  big or small physical trauma or emotional trauma and sadness can ruin you forever and i worry about that now as in right now

         thinking of absolutely 0 romances 

                trained myself to forget past memories

   even the good ones 

     in hopes of making new ones 

                                  

i can't even bare to imagine new ones

i can't even imagine to be in love again

there is no face i daydream about

no thrill no chase

there is a tombstone i visit on good days

i don't feel sorry for myself but i do feel alone and sad

sad because i can see clearly my entire life so far 

the weight 

the worth 

the impact of all things 

when you continually make a point to live in the present 

or live in the woods or pitch a thin tent or live on a small boat in the middle of an ocean and you are constantly at work with coffins (inside of every coffin is every man that has ever loved me,every night I have wanted to live forever and ment it( even spoke it out loud) any good thing about me i bury it because i feel that i am terrible and cold too sick too cold to far away to be loved

i am hopeful but not naive enlightened and i know that it means nothing i spend my time in this stupid graveyard its mostly busy work and they pay is nothing

cold and frigid i forget what its like to even hug someone i promise you i forget what its like to make someone happy.

it could all seem selfish but what is the opposite and what do you think is "better"? people actually convince themselves that they are really living if they can numb themselves if they can stop their brains from growing they just wrap themselves up/ as a whole inside a person that doesn't understand the concept of love,a person that is not ambitious that doesn't know how to learn,that doesn't want to learn these people are stupid and silly and it seems like they can distract us from actually feeling what we should be feeling. 

feeling the way i do now is important and i know it.

being sick almost over a year now i repeat

there is no magic potion

natural healing isn't magic by the way

there is someone who decides when i move or when i sit

when i listen and when i speak

someone 

i can hear everyones thoughts always and its awful

alot of bad thoughts 

most of the time everyone is self seeking and harsh with soot inside

most everyone is selfish and most everyone doesn't get the point of it.

the weird part is there is a lack of smell 

from the graveyard 

the coffins are scentless

think about it

howard it matters to you in ink and my soft voice; two sided born a cancer sign.

training my mind to f ocus on concentrating

alone i am all alone which is the best state to be in for me he says.

containing the least amount of : illusions as possible

psychoanalysis or shock therapy

i get sick of the illness i forget it away

like some sort of child it throws a fit when i begin to neglect it (health) 

what was the point of being fun when it led to dying always dying but longing to live/be alive
and my role models were now dead (literally)

when studying acting a few years ago i wasn't the freest of free
felt the entire process crude and immodest.

to be a good actress: you must keep to yourself avoid certain wordly things 
the best focus is nesseciary 
i have to be able to hold my breath (mental breath) under water (days of silence) for months at a time or a year possibly more.

then i think about how taking care of yourself is all you have left.
this is my body and i will control it

nature is not included in this because nature is not anyones machine to control
to even write about nature is ridiculous unless you are reflecting on its beauty or how you have adopted its pace which is patience of course

i can't control him or nature
or terrible scary human beings but i can control my body and my mouth

but i see my mouth some days in the mirror and its just frowning and not my usual mouth.

to do list:

• smile all the time when alone / also while using public transportation

• make a map of my brain all the way down to the most alone parts of my feet

• enjoy solitude- the gift that feels endless and unforgettable in the moment,it goes on for years then THEN once it ends you don't recall the aches of it really

hank used to always tell me kind things

part of my feminine nature is to wrap the masculine i meet up 

in all the best words and good smells (warmth and flowers)

           never obsessive or possessive or controlling or insecure

 which is a positive trait (i will put that in writing for howard.)

 i feel like i have a good sense of how to love 

 having this understand that the human heart is quite fragile

men are quite strong.they are hero's to me,they are wonderful wonderful creations with all this strength and i find that fascinating

i have all this strength but not the kind you find in a dictionary really

dr howard never seemed to look people in the eyes which seemed like a bad mystery book also untrustworthy

thrifty souls are terrible

---- : to be around

hugging a cactus plant

or breaking vase in a breakables shop

what was i then? breakable,psychic or both ?

opposite in (nature)

i never read that once,not onetime

breaking mirrors left and right 

blanking out for 3 or 4 hours at a time lost in my own mind


notes:

• keep concentration 
• laugh at the humor of the role
• possible outcomes
• training
• cognitive health 
• pain psychologist (pain strategies from a PhD..interesting)

a piano.

you wait for the piano to play herself


i have to close my eyes when i see frightening images,not even typical ones like from horror movies but ones between men and women that break your heart.


feeling empathy for every single person and image and romance and non romance i encounter. feeling everything. feeling feeling feeling.


my emotions are all the ones people try to hide or never claim to have


i have all the bad ones,this is my curse.


self analysis is terrible for me now. i think its just the worst thing i could possibly allow myself to do. 


there used to be this spirit that would come into my bedroom at night from ever since i can remember. the spirit would sit on my chest or stand by my side as i layed in bed and i would become so afraid my mouth would be sealed shut. i would cry but silently and wait for the spirit to go away.i don't know how long it would last,maybe 5 minutes,maybe an hour,time is not "time" in those moments,time is infinite. 


now i am a woman and the spirit sits on my chest less and less. and when he comes i shout in my head and tell him he has no power here,that im not a little girl anymore,he is a coward,and eventually he does float away.


getting paused all the time. in new york my route to work was the f train to the a train and then the a train to the f train home. after months of the same train routine i still had to run over it before i left my apartment. i really hated this about myself and i still do.


fear might be the spirit,im not exactly sure. whatever spirit you are: i see you and i know that i will see you every day for the rest of my life on earth. but i want you to know that i know you are there and i will find a way to get stronger so that i can fight back. 




the piano is not playing herself. 


i sit down to play and make the same noise. i try to think of differnt words and melodies to sing along to the one thing on the pinao i know how to play. i made it up myself. it represents a time when i was 23 and sick. i am still sick but not so much mentally. oneday i would like to be able to play the piano the way my emotions play me. oneday i wont be so sick.

GRAVE SEED

every moment shared with you 

I would ask god to make them endless

all too short,never enough

don't get out of this bed

don't get on the train

im too cold

you're so safe

don't let me push you away

days now are: moments without you

adding up

i don't want to break

it feels endless because it is endless

it feels.

maybe i'm a spirit and nothing more.                    

some house inside me was burning

and they are dragging me over to the graveyard

my knees buckle,i vomit all over my shoes

they say close your eyes but keep your ears open

how about: a tombstone 

for them to visit 

in place of their obsession with the girl i was in a dark time

you are pushing me back 

inside the black hole that keeps me,here.

maybe i'm supposed to stand over the grave

maybe if you take it back,you don't ever get it back.

you know something? 

I'm very sad without you.                      

dirt

There are madhouses filled with souls who have been lost to the sadness. the darkness sets in. it makes its bed and sits at your table and it takes over. the darkness is something we all feel. the voices get so loud,it tells you you've gone mad. i hear it each day too. i feel it like spurgeon's black dog that came round time after time. like a ghost that you hate. it comes naturally to write on the darkness and stay there. but i have to speak back. the lights turn on and my sword floats over me with the words......move . i move. 

the indulgence of pain

the beauty of blood and cuts and scrapes

the smoke made my lungs turn black,so i have the smoke to blame.

god how ugly it all is now. how typical. 

grab a number

get in line

scream louder

take this pill

push them all away

read this.eat that

my brain is numb my brain is hurting my soul is thirsty.

i take up my sword,i lie on it. and tell you all about the pain

you start bleeding and i start throwing up and it was all my fault so i feel dizzy and the cycle starts and the cycle goes on pause.

i draw the curtains and i lie to myself that being on mute is better than a life on blast that's all wrong,still haunted and mocked and tormented by the past.

the paranoia of a child's locker room. with all those sterile lights. i need to say something about that. this physical. man made. problem. common area. is terrifying but so loudly does it echo the human brain. its projected in movies. the weaker of the boys is bullied by a group of boys whose hormones scream louder,whose chest are filled with insecurity and shame, whose eyes are are dark and faces pale with hunger for a sense of power in a powerless nameless situation. watch as the bullies they just pick on you tell you brake-just as the bad thoughts in our brain

oh watch this though watch

watch

how the weakest among you,get strength

a supernatural uplifting

i look beyond my own pain and i see how universal pain is manifesting each day.like all things they can't stay idle long. life shifts. scenes change. we shift and whether we want to face pain or past memories at one point in our lives we have no choice but to face them. our lives are shaken up and the feelings come up from under the water,like a body that's been missing for weeks.it scares me to death at first. then i notice something...im not dead.im not even dead even though in my head i've nearly finished digging my very own grave.


damn

notes

tuesday:

my heart beat matches the rhythm of stomping around from the neighbor who suffers from some psychotic disorder i start to hate him more than anything in this world his footsteps are so imposing he is forcing me to feel his paranoia and i stay inside and wait for the end the end of my life as well as the end of his i am a killer in my own right and he is pushing me.

a black man at the drive through window inquires about the label of my jacket and i say "ralph lauren,......but from the goodwill'  it takes me far too long to get this sentence out and before i finish the sentence im already regretting speaking im  thinking to myself "why is he talking to me? what does he want?" then he tells me to please PLEASE come back and gives me that look i didn't think i was worthy of i am frazzled by the act of a man being friendly with me "you've been alone too long" is a thought that enters my mind then i kick myself and smile as genuinely possible then drive away.

someone shares a joke about my future husband and i don't think its funny or relevant. i think to myself "no one knows me" i get nauseated by my current state of intolerance for people and their frivolous hopes for my life i start to count the times i feel like im going to die then loose track-i convince myself of things i don't know everything about and i feel a sense of sorrow for the lack of empathy Ive had for others in the past.

everyone tells me if i would only eat meat my sickness would go away which is the last thing i ever want to hear in response i let my feelings get mixed in with my mouth and i say things that bury me more into a hole,i get defensive and defensive never works it just makes you sound like a jerk i dont think i've always been this way,no.

my mouth

the memory, the lack of memory, the silence, the conversation, the unknown, the knowing, the hiding, the revealing, telling too much, not telling enough, the kissing, the not kissing, waking up next to him, waking up not next to him, the hurting, the healing, the giving of knowledge,the lack of knowledge, the jealousy, the power, idleness, manic, too fast, faster, the life story, his dreams, I'm neurotic, my reality, your non reality, my mouth, my stubborn nature, your anger, your ways. I'm sick, you're healthy, the year my body stopped working, you never called, am I good alone or terrible alone, is this normal, the companionship that was conditional, can you be my friend and still kiss me, tell me what I want, don't let me do this, walk away, stay there, my pale skin, only night gowns, your strong arms, you won't touch me, I'm so sick, my whole body, you hate me, what if I'm dying, will you ever want me,all the healthy girls, all the strong girls, why am I so weak, all the words ive saved for you, the mystery I don't want to keep, I'm not sad, I'm only weak. The year that took me, the silence, the non waiting, the loneliness I am welcoming, the never ending, the ..., we are still so young. The hope that carries, the hope that continues, the hope without a face. The faith that was stable. The sea inside me, the waves I'm used to, the understanding,the confusion.the human heart,the supernatural organ, the wilderness I'll walk through, with you, not with you.  I am not too young I am not too old.

a little bit of loneliness would do you some good.

i got this sickness,and its keeping me a little down

.......

hes got this mouth that don't stop screaming

she has this tongue that feels like a knife. 

all the while hes bleeding on my white dress 

and shes stabbing me

and i keep digging deeper.

trying to bury all of yesterday. 

this is dead,the flag has been white 

for a million days you sharp, sharp shooter

stop this,stop this shooting at me.

your doomy sorrow holds no weight.

i might be sick and frail and a woman

but i am not afraid anymore.

you sharp, sharp shooter.

you starving bird. 

you freezing mind. 

warm yourself by the fire. 

eat a history book. 

a little bit of loneliness,would do you some good. 

a little solitude and alot of grace. 

you coward of a lion. 

you sheep of a woman. 

look down at this grave

see my hands

look at me in the face

what now of all your pain? 

are you quite finished?

shoot me again and watch what happens

i might be frail but i will not break.

pale pools

i wrap myself up..inside myself-
my brain is warm my brain feels like my heart? they pulse the same way-see? put your hand on my brain/listen to it beat just the same way my heart used to-now put your hand on my chest and feel...nothing..its not beating is it? at night i lay down and stretch my legs out,i look at my feet,i page through books,i think about the same 15 things. i hold my breath. i don't know if you are holding yours. but I'm underwater. and I'm holding my breath. coming up for air,i  sometimes see that you are smiling and happy that i am alive-other times you are disappointed that i didn't drown,you are you are- i can feel it through your sentences. i can feel it through the distance. i kept asking you to love me back. i was expecting someone to fight for me.  i don't want you to fix me. that is not your job. i don't want you to teach me a lesson. that is not the point. i want you to tell me to stay. i wanted you to mean it. i wanted to stay.i did. i just get so mixed up sometimes. and its all my brain or my hearts fault. i don't know which. just let me get out of the pool,please.

be the spirit

Yoko Ono has written a collection of instructions to the universe,i won't try to define her spiritual currents/below are my thoughts on the matter of spiritual development:


train your mind to control your thoughts. rid yourself of constant worry. what is your motivation. treat yourself to honesty. tell yourself only the truth. if you fall in love with someone research the definition of love-fast for a few days,pray constantly. train yourself to think like a spirit,the spirit that you are. you are not a human,you are a soul thoughtfully placed inside a body,a shell that is temporary. treat this shell as though you are borrowing it,as if it is not your own,the creator has lent it to you. imagine the word pure. rest. drink some water. care for your brothers spirit.

BURNING

it is heartbreak

knowing too much

my feet tingle

my face goes white

brain never stops

lips swollen

heart broken heart broken

memory loss

memory not lost

love me more

stop toouching me

feel more

isolation

insane

strong words

feeling

all the the bad words

streams

manic

manic

moon is too full

void

void

repeat

cycle.

A sentimentalist is simply one who desires to have the luxury of an emotion without paying for it.

• Wicked witch of the west
• Courtney love brain
• The weirdy potion i make that turned me french instead of...
• A fulltime crusade.
• Mentally filled
• Haze 
• I think I'm going to die
• Falcon is the only name i like
• Make it through
• I can't relate
• Stop talking
• Your skin
• My memory
• Life is exactly like the movies
• The feeling you get in your stomach:first day of school,first kiss,first snow of the winter,first heartbreak.
• The cycle you miss
• The new version of yourself,you never want to meet. 
• Say it slow
• Follow me home
• Pills in your future.Pills in your past.
• Whatever you say-
• Wherever you go.
• They are always shocked when I'm still alive
• Everyone dies falcon.
• Dial tone
• You think I'm crazy,you think i don't know?
• New York is the home of the most beautiful souls I have ever known
• New York is a blanket
• New York is holding hands under a blanket.
• Situational Actress
• Cities and darkness divide us over and over: now im a lake.