Somewhere far east

the sound of Job’s primal scream

still tearing through the air.

A sound older than scripture.

Older than mercy.

It travels.

Across deserts.

Across centuries.

Stone temples crumble.

Columns fall like broken teeth.

Altars sink back into dust.

But somewhere

inside the temple

a heartbeat.

Inside the temple

a heartbeat.

Inside the temple

a heartbeat.

Not stone.

Not marble.

God himself.

A ribcage of thunder

holding the noise of human pain.

Job screaming

into the lungs of heaven.

And heaven breathing it in.

Pain lives there.

A small animal scratching

inside the chest of God.

A wound

that refuses to close.

Inside the temple

a heartbeat.

Inside the temple

a heartbeat.

Inside the temple

a heartbeat.

Not silence.

Not peace.

Just the stubborn drum

of suffering

beating

inside the body of God.

Pain waits

 Imagine what pain says.

I’ll keep in touch.

I’ll write from inside your bones.

I’ll leave messages in your blood.

Pain waits.

Pain waits.

Pain waits.

For the pills to stop.

For the fog to lift.

For the truth you have to find

for yourself first.

Pain is patient.

It watches you swallow

and swallow

and swallow.

It watches you build soft little coffins

out of denial.

Pain waits.

The pain I refused to feel

dug in its heels.

And so did I.

I stopped screaming

like a woman on fire.

I learned a quieter trick.

I became a shell.

A bed.

A lie.

A woman hovering

between living and leaving.

A woman

refusing to live

and refusing

to die.

 

Nature takes its course

 

When i feared you i never made fire

I needed no sign of life

For me to be safe enough to sleep 

For my heart to find its way to beat and not break not pound not ache 

And now that I am bright 

I am vulnerable 

To you 

The gathering kind

The stealing kind 

The violent types 

Creatures of the night 

Nature takes its course

Memory Like A Knife

Even if we love memory.
Even if we use it as a way to devotion.
Even when it’s not.
Even when we dragged it around like a block of light just to see if it lasted.
Even when it breaks. 
Even when we know it will break. 
Let me be shocked,
after.
sometimes in suffering we find ourselves. 

SNOWING IN FLORIDA

From the archives. 2011.

went to a clinic down in florida

went to a doctor who examined me naked

stood outside the hospital doors just standing

stopped asking questions because I'm just so sick of talking.

he: touched my stomach my chest my feet my thighs my mouth my ribs my knees my my hips my fingers my toes my legs my arms my face my head my ears my back my heart my shins my spine 

he: went through the entire physical without looking me in the eyes.

examination room was freezing cold

waiting room was crowded with anxiety bad smells common people it was also:

freezing cold.

noticing:

people were here to die,just dying

(i kept looking around desperate for someone clinging on to life the way i was)

some people out there just give up on living all together

you realize there is no pill you can swallow no song you can sing no vacation you can take no mouth you can kiss no fling you can have -no dress you can wear no smell that will distract no film that will make you laugh nothing you can bear to eat not one book you can read not a good nights sleep you can get- not a car you can drive no eastern remedy nor western plan you can be no art you can see no words you can speak no ship no sea just nothing nothing can help you sometimes and with this discovery most people I've seen just give up on living because the pain is just too strong its all just too much when everything goes totally wrong,real bad people just freeze up curl up and die on the side of the rode but

i was thinking : well...well..you see I'm already hurting so how about a little bit of self made shock therapy.

You see no one asked me if my heart was broken 

in hospitals they only check the beat.

You see i have felt responsible for ALL of this and then suddenly one day someone comes along with a PhD and tells me that its not all my fault,and then suddenly,suddenly...im free (er) than usual.

THIS WHOLE TIME: you were sick,and now i feel it and im so sorry i didn't feel your sickness for you. im so sorry i didn't hold you longer and cry harder. do you even remember me? do you realize what this distance has done for the bad and good of both of our lives?

THE DOCTOR ASKED ME WHY I WAS SO SAD-I SHOOK MY HEAD.

IT WAS SNOWING IN FLORIDA,IT WAS SNOWING AND I WAS DRAWING A BLANK

TALL PALE SLENDER TALL PALE SLENDER FEMALE FRENCH JEW CHRISTIAN

BLANK.

Rabbit foot memory

From the archives. 2007.

I was reminding myself

to stop looking at my watch

my hair was halfway up,quite dark

I kept spelling out the sen-tance

"get up,get up"

have I mentioned

I have remained.

yes,remained

quite,white.

avoiding the dark hallways

that host games

all through the night.

take yourself back to

summers

and hearts

that leaped

so willingly

take yourself back

to airports

and waiting to board

and leaving

and coming

and always leaving

and gingerale

and my phone is dead.

shoot.

and my phone..is.

now look at my face

have I not grown all these seeds myself?

now look down at your feet

you have been idle.

your hands your nose your heart your feet your face your hands your hair your ways.

now now now now.

look at my face

have you not known that I have only waited for you?

all these years and all these days.

ships rot,and shirts have lost their stiffness

around their colllar

around your face.

have you not known

I have only

ONLY.

‘07

Lola