feeling more,saying less.

I had nothing to speak of that morning

your gut feeling will sometimes take a break on you

and sometimes you just have no guts at all

you want to be affectionate

maybe because it's easier to hug someone

instead of saying out loud how glad you are they are alive 

at the same time as you & in the same room with you & the same city.the

s a m e city. 

that morning i just drifted around you: 

lights steady, light & steady.

 silently towards the doom I've invented

 already blank: silent its your turn.

YOU LIKE YOUR GIRLS INSANE.

basic notes on the subject of__________
include: these long neon nights
they always were so friendly to my 
pupils my pulse my heart energy 
passing it to others who
carry alot of hurt on their face and backs and arms
and i humbly confess i can feel pain that is not my own
the hated,the loudest one at the table,the isolated man who asks me
what planet i came from and you have nothing to say back but you do get a chance to breathe properly
the lows of waking up 
excepting the feeling that he is saying:
she the "naive"
  - to what?
 electricity? 
                       what feelings feel like 
within one week
never let me go
desert island
hospital sweaters
then there is
the eek of an ocean
just looming
wasn't killing anything 
not even the fire-
THE fire that let us down,the fire that promised us the universe, leaving us
addicted to the high of something bright like a north star that would bring us to read or leave a country for good.
                                  (months go by.)


the eek was lying
the fire looked almost anemic
i look pale
you are silent
both(separately) are just looking at the moon
because you are starved 
for communication with
something constant
and nightly we both just ask it:
"why aren't we even breathing?"
                               (my final thoughts of this 2yr time frame is...)


When the quiet or even the chaos drives you mad
remember that you are sound and the word mad is a curse word.
So yes,neon nights and the want of the ocean felt like love
...but
What you feel is not always reality and what you fear you will end up serving.
(and the very idea of slavery should make you sick if not you are most likely,literally.....sick.)
i have written a thousand love letters that were actually feeling letters 
and now i know the difference. 
if you stay in the dark all of your life you will never learn to see properly.
turn on the lights,i promise you,THEN you will feel free.
don't be a slave to your own mind and don't be afraid of your weak memory.

past present past present

it already has
changed me forever. 


a sense of loss
the
sickness and stillness:
could produce a bitter,ugly,miserable person and even though i am very cautious right now and quiet and reserved i know there is a purpose for it all. 


i told someone the other day that the last 6 months has felt like 6 months of being pregnant. not literally but spiritually and even emotionally.


you shift
you have to change your environment 
your life
your priorities
you have to protect whatever it is that is growing inside you.


i am focused and serious and I've calmed down and decided to just be silent.


Something is growing deep down inside of me
I am not so sure what it is or what the purpose is but I know its going to be born one day soon and it will have legs of its own and a heart beat and a life and it will be bigger than anything my imagination could think up.


I've never considered myself to be an ambitious person,honestly.
life happens one moment at a time. one moment happens and then the next season appears just when it should and you adjust and you pack up and you leave a little bit of your heart in a different country or city and I have left a little bit of my heart with ex boyfriends and old friends. and i will always love them. and i will always remember the good parts. i have mourned and i have wept and pleaded with god to bring them back to me. and perhaps one day they will come back,but i know after this year i will never be the same. and i hope the best for all my past loves and everyone really that I've ever known. i want them to love themselves and love the examined life because it is so delicate and fragile and it is important,everyday is...a chance to see with a new set of eyes.


this is lesson I'm in the middle of. its a very long lecture. its a meditation. its still. some days i break down and i don't think i can take it anymore. but i know and trust one day this "Baby" will be born and one day things will change. one day i won't be sick. and ....one day the sun will come out and life will have a new pace. but the core of who i am.and the god that i love. and the desire to live a life that is not a selfish one remains and hopefully grows stronger and taller each day.