past present past present

it already has
changed me forever. 


a sense of loss
the
sickness and stillness:
could produce a bitter,ugly,miserable person and even though i am very cautious right now and quiet and reserved i know there is a purpose for it all. 


i told someone the other day that the last 6 months has felt like 6 months of being pregnant. not literally but spiritually and even emotionally.


you shift
you have to change your environment 
your life
your priorities
you have to protect whatever it is that is growing inside you.


i am focused and serious and I've calmed down and decided to just be silent.


Something is growing deep down inside of me
I am not so sure what it is or what the purpose is but I know its going to be born one day soon and it will have legs of its own and a heart beat and a life and it will be bigger than anything my imagination could think up.


I've never considered myself to be an ambitious person,honestly.
life happens one moment at a time. one moment happens and then the next season appears just when it should and you adjust and you pack up and you leave a little bit of your heart in a different country or city and I have left a little bit of my heart with ex boyfriends and old friends. and i will always love them. and i will always remember the good parts. i have mourned and i have wept and pleaded with god to bring them back to me. and perhaps one day they will come back,but i know after this year i will never be the same. and i hope the best for all my past loves and everyone really that I've ever known. i want them to love themselves and love the examined life because it is so delicate and fragile and it is important,everyday is...a chance to see with a new set of eyes.


this is lesson I'm in the middle of. its a very long lecture. its a meditation. its still. some days i break down and i don't think i can take it anymore. but i know and trust one day this "Baby" will be born and one day things will change. one day i won't be sick. and ....one day the sun will come out and life will have a new pace. but the core of who i am.and the god that i love. and the desire to live a life that is not a selfish one remains and hopefully grows stronger and taller each day.