it already has
changed me forever.
a sense of loss
sickness and stillness:
could produce a bitter,ugly,miserable person and even though i am very cautious right now and quiet and reserved i know there is a purpose for it all.
i told someone the other day that the last 6 months has felt like 6 months of being pregnant. not literally but spiritually and even emotionally.
you have to change your environment
you have to protect whatever it is that is growing inside you.
i am focused and serious and I've calmed down and decided to just be silent.
Something is growing deep down inside of me
I am not so sure what it is or what the purpose is but I know its going to be born one day soon and it will have legs of its own and a heart beat and a life and it will be bigger than anything my imagination could think up.
I've never considered myself to be an ambitious person,honestly.
life happens one moment at a time. one moment happens and then the next season appears just when it should and you adjust and you pack up and you leave a little bit of your heart in a different country or city and I have left a little bit of my heart with ex boyfriends and old friends. and i will always love them. and i will always remember the good parts. i have mourned and i have wept and pleaded with god to bring them back to me. and perhaps one day they will come back,but i know after this year i will never be the same. and i hope the best for all my past loves and everyone really that I've ever known. i want them to love themselves and love the examined life because it is so delicate and fragile and it is important,everyday is...a chance to see with a new set of eyes.
this is lesson I'm in the middle of. its a very long lecture. its a meditation. its still. some days i break down and i don't think i can take it anymore. but i know and trust one day this "Baby" will be born and one day things will change. one day i won't be sick. and ....one day the sun will come out and life will have a new pace. but the core of who i am.and the god that i love. and the desire to live a life that is not a selfish one remains and hopefully grows stronger and taller each day.