the sickness

All I wanted from you,

Was a man staring back at me 
like I was something he couldn't lose

So I rolled the dice

walked from The Chelsea Hotel to 159th

the years go by

i run,

you do not follow.

and just as the tears have dried

you come back

with a heavy sentiment

like the past was just a dream,like its not 2016

you confess that you still miss me,

with a familiar tenderness

you are dancing around our memories
like its holy ground

you begin to glorify my

humaness
and i remember this feeling
the pressure to be all that you want me to be
the idea
you challange me to shrink once more

i digress 

i think how in the world

is it you?

how did you come back to me?

is it fate or the way broken hearts form this addiction to pain

am i to be the villain in your narrative?

could you only be with me when i was sick

and young and crying all the time

now that i am strong

you seem to be unsure

rituals

eventually you get sick of the graveyards you visit
so you build new ones

this cycle goes on and on

gradually you leave the rituals
that kept you alive
alive just to mourn the dead
is no way to live.

with respect for the good ones gone:
let them fly. they have wings. they are the light in all things.

and for the rest of them:

let the dead bury the dead

listen to the soil

doing the job you thought was your own.

wash.

There is no shame in the early morning hours.
Moonlight on your pain:
The cleansing wax and wane.

How you would start a fire in the desert:
Sun on object-
light on body
forming:
fire on wound
burning the ache
into beautiful flames
(the reverse)

/

I am not ashamed of the moon on my back

I will not conceal my pain for you.

FLOAT ALL OVER THE WORLD.

it came to me in a dream.

after that i'ts a beautiful blur,we fell in love for the first time: each.

new words for new feelings

we didn't search for it much at all,love came flying into our arms
love soaring!

wrecklessly it seemed, at first

between the storms and the sea 

we couldn't tell

it arrived with a new day,flying straight out of the sun!

like a dove to a ship
or a ship and that colorful island
after such a storm
stranded, happily ever after

OPEN YOUR EYES

There was stillness 

the dust cleared

the crowed weaned off

its usual feed

of commotion and speed

 quite naturally.

(...how could they?

handle this so easy!)

The theme park that never closes and me.

the highs and lows mentally;

are not compartments that make up my being, they are my being.

strong vs. weak

loud vs. silent

we pick our rush, and then we are stuck 

we root in to the deep of it... like plant life.

In my case, i felt the ride had picked me.

That hour that no one ever sees...is my hour.

"just my hour and me."

Gradually you take notice of the missing girl from the party. 

Slowly the news breaks that she was murdered or she killed herself  and everyone pats themselves on the back for being so strong and making it but…. who are they kidding anyways.

Not one person asks if she was affected by the lack of affection or affected by always riding alone on rides always crying herself to sleep in an empty house haunted by memories of life "a life" and a party and music that went on here- and no one asks what type of music made emotions come up like  two year old throw up or a train you waited for two years ago at this very hour on this very day.

the mistake of writing down:

I  have loved everyone Ide  ever kissed but destroyed myself before he could ever have a chance at it .

the art of ...it.

"for better or for worse'" because. who could hold such an isolated being?

AND

Last time i lent my spirit to a boy he just said my body was cold like a ghost. i left immediately.

The aftermath of attachment:

I was lone

standing by the gates of heaven clinging to the locks: crying like a new born baby.

After Hours…

are depressing  

“the lights stopped blinking, guys!” and the music wasn't beating

and the sun was ONLY half way up

and half way hiding from me.

The summer was starting and my eyes were turning black from the lack of sleep and the amount of night times we never seem keep.

- “BRAINS?”

-- “i forgot to bring my memory-

  people remember it for me.”

Hardly Idle,

There’s nothing more driven

than a human being that is refusing a weaning.

“PARADISE IS GREAT!”- SO THEY SAY

It’s nothing more than a prison cell

(for life)

 with a window

(gratefully.)

i lay on the ground and cry myself  into a cell, into a fragile chemical  creep.

“the loneliness was eating me up

the silence had gotten to me

the pressure had pushed me

the waiting was wearing on me”

The battle, the ending scene.

little demons whispering crazy things

they watch as

i spit out

blood

my fingers begin

to tap

on the grave

where i was left

to sink

my legs begin to twitch

eyes begin to move

mouth opens and takes in air

again

my throat begins

to sting

the crowds went home

and i am rising up

alive

with a stained face

red on

blonde.

sword out of:

heart.

standing up

cracking my back

into place

What was intended,

did not kill me.

I PICK UP MY CROWN

AND I TOSS OFF THE JACKET

WITH ALL THE MEMORIES

I  PICK UP MY SWORD/I PUT ON MY CROWN

What was plotted,

failed

The Stabbing

The Gunshot

Did not take me.

you heard the murmur of a broken heart.

not entertaining the idea 
of 
romantic love
till i see you again

nun-hearted 
for a season

withdrawn/withholding
for a reason.

There are countries, there are rivers, in your eyes, .. 

Pablo is quite the romantic,
his rich life filled with love,longing,gaining,
loosing,glorious victories and utter heartache.


Pen and Ink
Survival 
Set
And he says:

"Maybe nothingness IS 
to be without 
your presence?


without you moving
and
slicing the noon"


how deep it runs,how long i sing

-You are like the night, 
with its stillness and constellations.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
 but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers

And you hear me from far away, 
and my voice does not reach you:
 Let me come to be still in you silence.

Among so many blues-
heavenly blues, 
sunken blues-
 our eyes are a little confused:

you are a laughing piano 
with every human note;

everything dropped away,
 except your eyes

Not seeing you 
And you not coming, 
You were breathing close to me forever.

That time was like never, 
and like always. 
So we go there, where nothing is waiting;
we find everything waiting there.

I said it again:
 Come with me,as if I were dying

no one saw the moon that bled in my mouth 
or the blood that rose into the silence .

After everything, I will love you As if it were always before As if, after so much waiting,

You among all beings have the right to see me weak.

1. "Here we are at last face to face, we have met, we have lost nothing." 

weak ends

the loneliness was eating me up

the silence gets to me

the pressure pushes me

the waiting wears on me.

The battle,the ending scene.

IS,SHE DEAD YET?


i spit out
blood
my fingers begin
to tap
on the grave
where i was left
to sink
my legs begin to twitch
eyes begin to move
mouth opens and takes in air
again
my throat begins
to sting


the crowds went home
and i am rising up
alive
with a stained face
red on
blonde.

sword out of:
heart.

standing up
cracking my back
into place

What was intended,
did not kill me.

We have not lost a thing.

Few and far between-
spring to summer chemicals held on so sweet
 and you are untouched despite the company you keep


weigh the cost  right now
against all odds,against all the news ,against tradition and against the modern mood


from the laughter to the sobs we store like food
few and far between.


holding on for more than just your mouth
reaching high above a mind, a mood, a swing.
With my eyes closed tight, gasping through the sheets:
one hand gripping, one lung pausing
one more go -
for you my love: i gasp, i pray, i speak.


And his eyes so deep i felt responsible
for your mood
the swing
the current that stops it all from taking it's place, emotionally.


As we move away
the family packs up all their things
that station wagon wave 
as a little girl you say goodbye to everything
praying,turn this car around or sink
we left the swing we left the swing we left the swing.


Then the trees change
with taller legs you attach to different things


Rare from what the fog allows us to see-
 you were my lake,my king.
Foggy like a mind bent out of shape,
i was taking it in i was taking responsibility. 


solitude or circumstance
hibernate or leave me back with a heart that's been made weak
by your graceful power and your eyes like poison to me


and the sun lets in
the rolling hills,the words we keep 
sucking in.


You were living on the edge
of what i thought was love or loving 
were we dying, babe...or were you just that weak?


Sun rising in, sun rising in, sun never setting in... for you darling


Was i starving for you? 
we sit down... we stand ,we drink. 
But not a chance in hell I've held out for just a dream.
some more thoughts for me to eat


The truth stands still, as still as can be...
all the words that hit me from your mouth help me to sleep
alone with the circumstance's ....near you and nearly gone i count the weeks
all the words you keep you hold help me to sleep.


the truth is what sets it free
the truth is that we have not lost a thing
the truth is that your words sing me to sleep


the truth is: we have not lost a thing.

when we look back on letters from war,we see how much has changed from a time not very long ago.

always

feeling

one million miles away

and one million

apologies short.

skin 

scent

light hair

heavy soul

flower bed.

cherished-

and you were.

i

the fire going out

it

struck me down

like lightning

to the human body

near death but

trauma for one year straight.

i thought of you... i did

i promise

the end didn't ever feel like the end

till today.

so many cities divide

and tears bring back

everything

i have one message saved

on my answering machine

you

saying

"hello. im so worried for you"

that broke my heart

if i broke yours

i am so sorry

your skin next to mine-

after it was done

it killed my

insides.

and my eyes

now lack the spark they had

when we met

oh god. do you ever think of me

and hope for us?

I'm sorry

one million miles under the sea of deep

i cherish you.what i saw. what you said. how we met.

i loved you from the first time

we shook hands.

and theres more

but you're gone.

so whats the point

warm blooded man

sickly me

I'm sorry i wasn't well 

you deserve a city

and i remain on an island

replaying my wrongs.

and you,are just silent.

one year later

i miss you

and i hate the fire that went out

near valentines day

last year

the year

i fell apart.

so many days waking up-

without

i miss you .

i dont really think any will love me like that

again.