howard it matters to you in ink and my soft voice; two sided born a cancer sign.

training my mind to f ocus on concentrating
alone i am all alone which is the best state to be in for me he says.

containing the least amount of : illusions as possible

psychoanalysis or shock therapy

i get sick of the illness i forget it away
like some sort of child it throws a fit when i begin to neglect it (health) 

what was the point of being fun when it led to dying always dying but longing to live/be alive
and my role models were now dead (literally)

when studying acting a few years ago i wasn't the freest of free
felt the entire process crude and immodest.

to be a good actress: you must keep to yourself avoid certain wordly things 
the best focus is nesseciary 
i have to be able to hold my breath (mental breath) under water (days of silence) for months at a time or a year possibly more.


then i think about how taking care of yourself is all you have left.
this is my body and i will control it
nature is not included in this because nature is not anyones machine to control
to even write about nature is ridiculous unless you are reflecting on its beauty or how you have adopted its pace which is patience of course

i can't control him or nature
or terrible scary human beings but i can control my body and my mouth

but i see my mouth some days in the mirror and its just frowning and not my usual mouth.
to do list:

  • smile all the time when alone / also while using public transportation
  • make a map of my brain all the way down to the most alone parts of my feet
  • enjoy solitude- the gift that feels endless and unforgettable in the moment,it goes on for years then THEN once it ends you don't recall the aches of it really
hank used to always tell me kind things
part of my feminine nature is to wrap the masculine i meet up 
in all the best words and good smells (warmth and flowers)
           never obsessive or possessive or controlling or insecure
 which is a positive trait (i will put that in writing for howard.)

 i feel like i have a good sense of how to love 

 having this understand that the human heart is quite fragile
men are quite strong.they are hero's to me,they are wonderful wonderful creations with all this strength and i find that fascinating

i have all this strength but not the kind you find in a dictionary really
dr howard never seemed to look people in the eyes which seemed like a bad mystery book also untrustworthy

thrifty souls are terrible
---- : to be around
hugging a cactus plant
or breaking vase in a breakables shop

what was i then? breakable,psychic or both ?
opposite in (nature)
i never read that once,not onetime
breaking mirrors left and right 
blanking out for 3 or 4 hours at a time lost in my own mind


notes:



  • keep concentration 
  • laugh at the humor of the role
  • possible outcomes
  • training
  • cognitive health 
  • pain psychologist (pain strategies from a PhD..interesting)