squashing the life held within my chest squashing it to death
am i supposed to die or come up for air someone answer me dammit,answer me!!
( panic attacks at 5 in the morning are weird)
oh please,stop rushing me with "the answer!" most young girls hold their breath up to 2 minutes when they are younger but when you grow up your lungs get bigger and stronger but they are filled with tons of logical anxiety.
pipi looked thin in her speedo swimsuit,i didn't care.
pipi i can't take anything you say seriously because of that neon green speedo one piece you've got on.
oswald would swim up behind me from another lane
and scare the french out of me.
even strangers would ask if oswald and I were in love
neither of us like to talk about love
it feels like a conversation worth saving
oswald got me good,i started to cry,it was a weak moment,5am on a weekday and someone you trust pushes you in the shallow end and you start to bleed,your elbow is bleeding,people are gathering around eating fatty croissants and hot chocolate and you are bleeding and crying and empty and it feels like you are dying and people are pointing now just gathering all a bunch of sickos if you ask me.
on days like today where i allowed myself to be fragile i would cry in this pool or silently weep in a corner. i did not care if this was a big deal or not to them. in this very moment: i did not want to remember all the battles i had fought and won in the past year. "am i a pretty when i cry?" never crosses my mind,i just need to cry.i did not care that peoples impression of me was now: this.
on days that i cried coach xyz would scream at me:
NO TEARS IN THE POOL. ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR KIND OF TEARS,FOLK START DRINKING YOUR EYE WATER SOONUFF ALL THEIR HAIR GROWS OUT LONG AND BLOND THEY START DEVELOPING EMOTIONS,THEY START CRYING,THEY START GETTING PAUSED IN THEIR BEDROOMS LATE TO PRACTICE,PAUSED AT THE MARKET LATE FOR ANOTHER PRACTICE,WAITING FOR THEIR TRAIN TO COME IN AT THE STATION,TRAIN GETS HAUNTED THEY GO BACK TO THEIR APARTMENTS MISS PRACTICE. SOONER OR LATER THEY START SEEING THE GHOST YOU SEE THEY START HEARING THE SENTENCES THEN BOOKS YOU HEAR AT NIGHT SOONER OR LATER THE SOUND BECOMES NOISE THE NOISE BECOMES UNBEARABLE ,NOT EVERYONE CAN LIVE THIS LIFE YOU KNOW LOLA
COACH DIPS HER HEAD IN THE POOL FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO WRITE THE FOLLOWING DOWN:
i am thinking: i need a towel i need to sneeze but I'll hold it.
COACH COMES BACK UP FOR AIR WITH A MOUTH FULL:
SOONER OR LATER WE LOOK UP AND YOUR IN SOME MEADOW SINGING HYMNS BRAIDING YOUR HAIR LOOK AROUND LOLA,ALL THESE SWIMMERS HERE... ALL YOUR TEAMMATES ARE IN A MEADOW TOO,A MEADOW OF GRAVES AND ON EACH TOMBSTONE I WILL CARVE AN IMAGE OF YOUR FACE. SO WHEN THE WEEPERS COME TO WEEP AND THE MOURNERS COME TO MOURN AND THE PRIEST STOP BY TO CROSS THEIR CHEST AND BEG THE LORD FOR HEAVEN STUFF AND ON EASTER THE MOTHERS COME ALONE THEY COME TO LAY THEIR HEADS DOWN ON THE COOL STONE FOR A BIT OF RELIEF FROM A SCORCHING HOT SUMMER'S DAY WITH BOUQUETS OF BABY'S BREATH AND YARN IN HAND THE MOTHERS START TO QUIETLY SING THEY BEG JESUS TO BRING THEIR BABY THEIR BABY TADPOLE BACK TO EARTH AND THEN THEY BEGIN TO CURSE WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN STONE IT WILL BE YOUR HEART SHAPED FACE THEY WILL SEE ON THAT STONE,NEXT TO THEIR CHILD'S NAME NEXT TO THE BABY'S BREATH AND THE YARN AND THE MEMORIES.
SO YOU SEE LOLA:
LOLA DON'T YOU DARE DROWN US NOW,DON'T YOU DARE SHED ONE MORE TEAR IN MY POOL. WE GOT A MATCH COMING UP AGAINST THE GREENEST TEAM IN THE SOUTHEAST AND ALL I CARE ABOUT IS YOUR FACE STAYING CLOSED AND YOUR LEGS STAYING MEAN. I WANT YOU TO SHUT UP AND KICK THE WATER AND CLOSE YOUR EYES THE ENTIRE TIME- YA HEAR ME? KICK OR GET OUT OF THE POOL GIRL,KICK OR WE ALL DIE HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR YOUTH WE WILL ALL DIE IN A CLEAN SWIMMING POOL IF YOU BREAKDOWN TONIGHT. SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHATEVER YOU HEAR,WHATEVER IT IS YOU SEE,NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEAR,NO MATTER WHAT THOSE COWARDLY VOICES ARE CHANTING TO YOU AND HAVE BEEN CHANTING TO YOU FOR THE PAST 48 HOURS NOW,I DON'T CARE NONE OF THAT MATTERS,THE WAR MATTERS,17 PEOPLE WITH A CHANCE AT WINNING THIS THING MATTERS-
SO DON'T YOU DARE BREAK NOW LOLA,DON'T CRY LOLA JUST SWIM,JUST SWIM. DON'T SINK. DON'T SINK US, PLEASE LOLA DON'T CRY JUST SWIM.