notes

tuesday:
my heart beat matches the rhythm of stomping around from the neighbor who suffers from some psychotic disorder i start to hate him more than anything in this world his footsteps are so imposing he is forcing me to feel his paranoia and i stay inside and wait for the end the end of my life as well as the end of his i am a killer in my own right and he is pushing me.

a black man at the drive through window inquires about the label of my jacket and i say "ralph lauren,......but from the goodwill'  it takes me far too long to get this sentence out and before i finish the sentence im already regretting speaking im  thinking to myself "why is he talking to me? what does he want?" then he tells me to please PLEASE come back and gives me that look i didn't think i was worthy of i am frazzled by the act of a man being friendly with me "you've been alone too long" is a thought that enters my mind then i kick myself and smile as genuinely possible then drive away.

someone shares a joke about my future husband and i don't think its funny or relevant. i think to myself "no one knows me" i get nauseated by my current state of intolerance for people and their frivolous hopes for my life i start to count the times i feel like im going to die then loose track-i convince myself of things i don't know everything about and i feel a sense of sorrow for the lack of empathy Ive had for others in the past.

everyone tells me if i would only eat meat my sickness would go away which is the last thing i ever want to hear in response i let my feelings get mixed in with my mouth and i say things that bury me more into a hole,i get defensive and defensive never works it just makes you sound like a jerk i dont think i've always been this way,no.