dirt

There are madhouses filled with souls who have been lost to the sadness. the darkness sets in. it makes its bed and sits at your table and it takes over. the darkness is something we all feel. the voices get so loud,it tells you you've gone mad. i hear it each day too. i feel it like spurgeon's black dog that came round time after time. like a ghost that you hate. it comes naturally to write on the darkness and stay there. but i have to speak back. the lights turn on and my sword floats over me with the words......move . i move. 

the indulgence of pain
the beauty of blood and cuts and scrapes
the smoke made my lungs turn black,so i have the smoke to blame.
god how ugly it all is now. how typical. 
grab a number
get in line
scream louder
take this pill
push them all away
read this.eat that
my brain is numb my brain is hurting my soul is thirsty.

i take up my sword,i lie on it. and tell you all about the pain
you start bleeding and i start throwing up and it was all my fault so i feel dizzy and the cycle starts and the cycle goes on pause.
i draw the curtains and i lie to myself that being on mute is better than a life on blast that's all wrong,still haunted and mocked and tormented by the past.

the paranoia of a child's locker room. with all those sterile lights. i need to say something about that. this physical. man made. problem. common area. is terrifying but so loudly does it echo the human brain. its projected in movies. the weaker of the boys is bullied by a group of boys whose hormones scream louder,whose chest are filled with insecurity and shame, whose eyes are are dark and faces pale with hunger for a sense of power in a powerless nameless situation. watch as the bullies they just pick on you tell you brake-just as the bad thoughts in our brain
oh watch this though watch
watch
how the weakest among you,get strength
a supernatural uplifting

i look beyond my own pain and i see how universal pain is manifesting each day.like all things they can't stay idle long. life shifts. scenes change. we shift and whether we want to face pain or past memories at one point in our lives we have no choice but to face them. our lives are shaken up and the feelings come up from under the water,like a body that's been missing for weeks.it scares me to death at first. then i notice something...im not dead.im not even dead even though in my head i've nearly finished digging my very own grave.


damn