right before a breakthrough the universe decides to breakdown
and the whole process of things breaking down
like your life
is painful.
I felt pain for many years and was sure i would never recover from it and many years later something lifted. less weeping. began eating.started speaking.found comfort in nature. rose from my death bed and tried...just really had a go at the idea of living again
The thing is-
You never recover
You survive and keep living until you are alive again.
You lay on the floor and wait for the lifiting
clutching a bottle of annointing oil and
like david
annnointing myself
expecting a healing.
healing to wholeness
being whole again or for once
was at the top of the mountain
in the fantasy land of my mind-wholeness was it.
this winter my biggest fear came true
the irrational fear that you wrestle with all of your childhood and all of your teenage years and all through college and even after you graduate and people are now looking to you for guidance and counting on you to always be there person. there rational perfect person.
A man came into my apartment with a butcher knife and held me hostage
his plan was to take my life and 3 of my friends lives.
irrational to rational in one moment
it shifts.
My father would lecture me as a child about my irrational fears
I only told him because I had a feeling it was going to happen
this is when i was a child of course
and the fears I went to my father about then are the fears that have come to life now. im not saying i spoke death over my life or willed bad to happen. in my spirit i always knew.
i'm never truly surprised after a traumatic or violent event happens to me.
my prophecies from childhood coming to pass and my father still lecturing me on my lack of faith is the only thnig that suprises me.
not the break in
or the near rapes
not the sickness
not the assualts
not the arrest
or the psyche ward
not the violence
or the demons faces i see year after year
just the lectures.
just the dissaproval
just the shame.
I lie to myself that I don't care.
I'm not ashamed
you just trick yourself into it because
lying to yourself is the key to emotional survival.