Nature takes its course
When i feared you i never made fire
I needed no sign of life
For me to be safe enough to sleep
For my heart to find its way to beat and not break not pound not ache
And now that I am bright
I am vulnerable
To you
The gathering kind
The stealing kind
The violent types
Creatures of the night
Nature takes its course
Memory Like A Knife
Even if we love memory.
Even if we use it as a way to devotion.
Even when it’s not.
Even when we dragged it around like a block of light just to see if it lasted.
Even when it breaks.
Even when we know it will break.
Let me be shocked,
after.
sometimes in suffering we find ourselves.
SNOWING IN FLORIDA
From the archives. 2011.
went to a clinic down in florida
went to a doctor who examined me naked
stood outside the hospital doors just standing
stopped asking questions because I'm just so sick of talking.
he: touched my stomach my chest my feet my thighs my mouth my ribs my knees my my hips my fingers my toes my legs my arms my face my head my ears my back my heart my shins my spine
he: went through the entire physical without looking me in the eyes.
examination room was freezing cold
waiting room was crowded with anxiety bad smells common people it was also:
freezing cold.
noticing:
people were here to die,just dying
(i kept looking around desperate for someone clinging on to life the way i was)
some people out there just give up on living all together
you realize there is no pill you can swallow no song you can sing no vacation you can take no mouth you can kiss no fling you can have -no dress you can wear no smell that will distract no film that will make you laugh nothing you can bear to eat not one book you can read not a good nights sleep you can get- not a car you can drive no eastern remedy nor western plan you can be no art you can see no words you can speak no ship no sea just nothing nothing can help you sometimes and with this discovery most people I've seen just give up on living because the pain is just too strong its all just too much when everything goes totally wrong,real bad people just freeze up curl up and die on the side of the rode but
i was thinking : well...well..you see I'm already hurting so how about a little bit of self made shock therapy.
You see no one asked me if my heart was broken
in hospitals they only check the beat.
You see i have felt responsible for ALL of this and then suddenly one day someone comes along with a PhD and tells me that its not all my fault,and then suddenly,suddenly...im free (er) than usual.
THIS WHOLE TIME: you were sick,and now i feel it and im so sorry i didn't feel your sickness for you. im so sorry i didn't hold you longer and cry harder. do you even remember me? do you realize what this distance has done for the bad and good of both of our lives?
THE DOCTOR ASKED ME WHY I WAS SO SAD-I SHOOK MY HEAD.
IT WAS SNOWING IN FLORIDA,IT WAS SNOWING AND I WAS DRAWING A BLANK
TALL PALE SLENDER TALL PALE SLENDER FEMALE FRENCH JEW CHRISTIAN
BLANK.
Rabbit foot memory
From the archives. 2007.
I was reminding myself
to stop looking at my watch
my hair was halfway up,quite dark
I kept spelling out the sen-tance
"get up,get up"
have I mentioned
I have remained.
yes,remained
quite,white.
avoiding the dark hallways
that host games
all through the night.
take yourself back to
summers
and hearts
that leaped
so willingly
take yourself back
to airports
and waiting to board
and leaving
and coming
and always leaving
and gingerale
and my phone is dead.
shoot.
and my phone..is.
now look at my face
have I not grown all these seeds myself?
now look down at your feet
you have been idle.
your hands your nose your heart your feet your face your hands your hair your ways.
now now now now.
look at my face
have you not known that I have only waited for you?
all these years and all these days.
ships rot,and shirts have lost their stiffness
around their colllar
around your face.
have you not known
I have only
ONLY.
‘07
Lola
he is my portion
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
Lamentations 3:19-26
stains
the gospel,
it stains us...
with blood you can't scrub off.
and trust me
the devil himself has taken a cloth
and tried to remove it from me himself
foolishly he's frantic
and his loop has never changed
he will try to cover your eyes
with a blindfold a
welcome to your idolatry\welcome to the wandering
the carnal nature of lust
producing shame
always showing up is rage
that unholy trinity
foolishly he's frantic
and his loop has never changed
he will try to cover your eyes
with a blindfold a
welcome to your idolatry\welcome to the wandering
the carnal nature of lust
producing shame
always showing up is rage
that unholy trinity
uh
this is holy blood
wash away my sin,again.
wash away my sin,again.
The west coast used to be steady
jan 25. the lunar new moon makes everyone feel manic/it's not just u
the bzzzzing you can't drown out is omnipresent.
Remember when moving Out West was the Ultimate teen dream fantasy?
the bzzzzing you can't drown out is omnipresent.
Remember when moving Out West was the Ultimate teen dream fantasy?
Fast forward to the neon lights that you can’t outlast
Buzzing from the Mezcal and echos of empty drive-by shootings of encouragement
We're all doing great!!! Thanks!
Yeah, it glows.
The lonesome lows meet there new meaning
This kid is complaining there’s no room service in his motel he’s been living in since he arrived here in December
Pretty sure he’s Russian and that’s a thing there? Surly. He must not know? He moved out here to model which was honestly a good idea in theory. California is seductive to like, a lot of people. But his soul is too fragile for this place. He needs more home before he can become his own home. His heart is too fragile for these people who love new faces and fight to drain your purity and use it for their skincare routine. “Omg Samuel!” A monotone masculine leaning voice shrieks through the office “have you not tried this new serum?! Its black market Russian. So u know it’s good! it’s literally everything!
Burns at first. You’ll get used to it.”
Samuel shifts his energy all the way into himself
“You get used to it”
He whispers under his breath
Just like everything.
The burning lasts forever
But you’ll get used to it.
“I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way
to deal with everything we lose.”- Joan Didion
My shame is aged,moldy,heavy and it smells like an emergency
the library flooded in 2003
the books have turned gangrene
Sadness I’m your girl
Depression:
You are the fire I will walk through daily-and the flames will disfigure me but it will never kill me
As long as my heart beats-
This ceremony of extremes
On repeat you settle in:the dusty sun set, may allergies floating // breathe in grief
The fear and the fire ok ok breathe
I was 3 when fear grabbed me by the neck. It came at. night. The sunset was the terror.i fought with all my might.
I missed falling asleep.
Inside my seashell of psalm 23
The hope that keeps us alive
Is the belief that you will be free.
Steady and constant is the fear.Faithful and forever is the miracle.
The fire
Walking out of the furnace
Smell is:sandalwood and Amber
LOVE ME TENDER
sometimes a man gets so sad he can hardly feel it
anymore.
there were the years you waited for love-
aching
and now you hardly think of it anymore.
sometimes you get so alone that it just makes sense.
in the past:
i needed you to feel
my loneliness
for me
with me
just for right now
because the weight is too heavy
and its crushing me second by second
some men take it
and hand it back
some men feel it deeply
and hate me for it.
sick recognizes sick
hurt recognizes hurt
love me tender
love me, quick.
Is that why you stay gone?
I taught my heart to do more
than miss him
Trained it to beat
a less desperate rhythm
Now my heart has gone rogue,
it prefers longing
So, I'll sit here and pretend
that you're close to me
Is that why you stay gone,
you don't want me to stress?
But you're blissing me,
you're blissing me
He reminds me of the love in me
I'm celebrating on a vibrancy
Sending each other MP3s
Falling in love to a song, song
CALVARY LOVE.
your words declare you love me.
the tone is:
abandoned carnival
one last clown. standing
in the smoke-
alone.
holding a bottle of jack,
a balloon giraffe
oh and that cynical
dollar store smile and laugh
the setting is dark
the elephants are dead
the freaks are free now
the cotton candy is gone
And the Ferris wheel's closed now that lila's dead.
And you utter again
i love you.
and i know the truth
your words: are just noise summoned by empty passion
romance you thought you learned
from a porno you saw once when you were young
if this is love. get the hell away from me.
i will love myself and mean it
i will hold myself and not break my own bones
i will forgive myself forever,
look myself dead in the eyes
and say:
Self, i love you.
purely and forever.
if you will not touch me now-
i will hold my own hand.
i fell in love with you years ago
and now that i've confessed
my affection
the empty feeling looms
and you leave me again
alone with myself and my own love.
holding my own hand forever
for better or worse
i will show you how to be good, how to be faithful
by being good to myself-faithful and true to my spirit.
i have hidden the word of of the lord deep down in my heart
you lack the ability
to love me properly
and you forget that i am made of dust and bone
i stand before you sustained
strong
alone.
nun hearted
dark forest
holy ghost heartbeat.
Calvary love.
watch the crimson hits the sand.
the tone is:
abandoned carnival
one last clown. standing
in the smoke-
alone.
holding a bottle of jack,
a balloon giraffe
oh and that cynical
dollar store smile and laugh
the setting is dark
the elephants are dead
the freaks are free now
the cotton candy is gone
And the Ferris wheel's closed now that lila's dead.
And you utter again
i love you.
and i know the truth
your words: are just noise summoned by empty passion
romance you thought you learned
from a porno you saw once when you were young
if this is love. get the hell away from me.
i will love myself and mean it
i will hold myself and not break my own bones
i will forgive myself forever,
look myself dead in the eyes
and say:
Self, i love you.
purely and forever.
if you will not touch me now-
i will hold my own hand.
i fell in love with you years ago
and now that i've confessed
my affection
the empty feeling looms
and you leave me again
alone with myself and my own love.
holding my own hand forever
for better or worse
i will show you how to be good, how to be faithful
by being good to myself-faithful and true to my spirit.
i have hidden the word of of the lord deep down in my heart
you lack the ability
to love me properly
and you forget that i am made of dust and bone
i stand before you sustained
strong
alone.
nun hearted
dark forest
Calvary love.
watch the crimson hits the sand.
If You left the grave behind you so will I
If the stars were made to worship so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high so will I
If the wind goes where You send it so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times
52 Cities Deep / And His Big Weep.
oh
my
gosh
THE RISE AND THE FALL!
of THE chase-
the chase of all chases
the surrendering way,
you throw your hands up-
away from me.
i sway into the truth
you cover your ears
rejecting the news.
enough is enough
you chased my love
19 months
and when i say stop
you take it to heart.
The New York Post slides
under my hotel room door
front page is your face-just for today
headline reads:
*bold font*
"the big star" with talent but in the end his pride ruins it all"
headline is:
"charming cliche of a man
chases a lovely woman
catches her
tricks her
only to run away!
after his tour extended past may.
(tour sales down despite radio plays)
headline says:
" majority of charismatic men are all sad at night-
no matter how many fans they have!
the price of extroversion:
is pain!
the price of the lead role is:
loneliness
and no one to call
when you feel like
dying
like, for real this time"
the rise and fall of
whatever the hell that was
just late night calls and
static, so much static.
flash forward to you leaving
for a new pair of eyes
lips
hair
hands
words.
52 cities deep:
you will find a version of me,
In her.
A fever dream fantasy
you will seek
Flash forward to 2am
The south, about to enter REM
picture those haunted hallways
where a woman's intuition
and her subconscious meet
(repeat repeat repeat)
I don't miss him because you can't miss a person who
never really knew you
only the fantasy of you
that they crafted
based on what?
a cartoon?
i don't dream of him, ever.
i dream of heath ledger wearing a fisherman sweater on a pale beach
and the little mermaid when she gets her new feet.
9 cities later:
back to my replacement
Crystal ball says its a girl with a common middle name
a girl who is younger than me
with less sorrowing in her eyes
less words in her vocabulary
never left the Midwest
hasn't heard of Budapest
you speak and she cheers
you ignore her and she
feels she's done something wrong
you're her sun
and she needs you now
to function
she's too young to know
that the cycle starts
with the chase
ends with the escape
the silence
the amnesia
skip to 2 years later
December in Ohio
"don't i know you from somewhere"
and he is honestly asking you this
because he is the sun
self appointed but
the sun
move on to the far east
its late spring
she's a college girl
less fight in her swing
less pain. fewer memories
fewer lives
fewer mistakes
maybe a girl who has a sister that's not dead
ans haunting her family
maybe her story is less heartbreak
less weeping
more singing
Wednesday night testimony girl
in a jean skirt
pretty face
big flirt
the winter you flew to Europe
the winter you stopped calling your father
middle of nowhere on a train headed to Paris
you see her
and she is close to resembling me
just a little bit.
you open your mouth
to begin the game
the cycle is spinning
and she laughs in your face
she walks
away
and the daily mail
has given you a nickname now
one that you hate
headline says:
"you're looking weak"
they interview a nutritionist who speculates on your shrinking frame
"hollow eyes
lack of smile
pale complexion"
headline reads:
"ALIVE but mostly dead"
And the women sitting outside of a cafe the morning of the headlines
you refuse to read from today
feel sorry for you.
feel happy they have boyfriends who love them
in the purest way.
love without a timeline, without the seduction of fame
that's the thing about good women
we were born wearing our crowns
wisdom is our best friend
discernment is engraved in the bones of our bodies
our skin is made of prophetic cells
our hearts are homes for the holy spirit
and the love for babies and pale oceans
you write me to tell me
"i miss you. I'm lonely"
i read this and feel nothing.
i reply with the sunglass emoji.
you cursing the day we began
is how that conversation came to an end.
sometimes, i miss the wolves that used to chase me
but for the most part, I don't.
i know they will be back
for more heartbreak
a sad woman is worth more than a million happy ones
the currency of pain: to feel anything in a country so numb
is a delicacy
just a gram of her sadness
will cost you a piece of your soul but my god
it's worth it a thousand time over
like crack cocaine
they beg me for romance
knowing the high won’t stay
the comedown is coming
the sun is rising with the throbbing craving
for more
addicted to this second hand ache
with
still born stories of hope
laced in hate
a future we can’t hold
we can barley create
in the corners of the town that neither of us claim
curating heartbreak
calling it fate.
my
gosh
THE RISE AND THE FALL!
of THE chase-
the chase of all chases
the surrendering way,
you throw your hands up-
away from me.
i sway into the truth
you cover your ears
rejecting the news.
enough is enough
you chased my love
19 months
and when i say stop
you take it to heart.
The New York Post slides
under my hotel room door
front page is your face-just for today
headline reads:
*bold font*
"the big star" with talent but in the end his pride ruins it all"
headline is:
"charming cliche of a man
chases a lovely woman
catches her
tricks her
only to run away!
after his tour extended past may.
(tour sales down despite radio plays)
headline says:
" majority of charismatic men are all sad at night-
no matter how many fans they have!
the price of extroversion:
is pain!
the price of the lead role is:
loneliness
and no one to call
when you feel like
dying
like, for real this time"
the rise and fall of
whatever the hell that was
just late night calls and
static, so much static.
flash forward to you leaving
for a new pair of eyes
lips
hair
hands
words.
52 cities deep:
you will find a version of me,
In her.
A fever dream fantasy
you will seek
Flash forward to 2am
The south, about to enter REM
picture those haunted hallways
where a woman's intuition
and her subconscious meet
(repeat repeat repeat)
I don't miss him because you can't miss a person who
never really knew you
only the fantasy of you
that they crafted
based on what?
a cartoon?
i don't dream of him, ever.
i dream of heath ledger wearing a fisherman sweater on a pale beach
and the little mermaid when she gets her new feet.
9 cities later:
back to my replacement
Crystal ball says its a girl with a common middle name
a girl who is younger than me
with less sorrowing in her eyes
less words in her vocabulary
never left the Midwest
hasn't heard of Budapest
you speak and she cheers
you ignore her and she
feels she's done something wrong
you're her sun
and she needs you now
to function
she's too young to know
that the cycle starts
with the chase
ends with the escape
the silence
the amnesia
skip to 2 years later
December in Ohio
"don't i know you from somewhere"
and he is honestly asking you this
because he is the sun
self appointed but
the sun
move on to the far east
its late spring
she's a college girl
less fight in her swing
less pain. fewer memories
fewer lives
fewer mistakes
maybe a girl who has a sister that's not dead
ans haunting her family
maybe her story is less heartbreak
less weeping
more singing
Wednesday night testimony girl
in a jean skirt
pretty face
big flirt
the winter you flew to Europe
the winter you stopped calling your father
middle of nowhere on a train headed to Paris
you see her
and she is close to resembling me
just a little bit.
you open your mouth
to begin the game
the cycle is spinning
and she laughs in your face
she walks
away
and the daily mail
has given you a nickname now
one that you hate
headline says:
"you're looking weak"
they interview a nutritionist who speculates on your shrinking frame
"hollow eyes
lack of smile
pale complexion"
headline reads:
"ALIVE but mostly dead"
And the women sitting outside of a cafe the morning of the headlines
you refuse to read from today
feel sorry for you.
feel happy they have boyfriends who love them
in the purest way.
love without a timeline, without the seduction of fame
that's the thing about good women
we were born wearing our crowns
wisdom is our best friend
discernment is engraved in the bones of our bodies
our skin is made of prophetic cells
our hearts are homes for the holy spirit
and the love for babies and pale oceans
you write me to tell me
"i miss you. I'm lonely"
i read this and feel nothing.
i reply with the sunglass emoji.
you cursing the day we began
is how that conversation came to an end.
sometimes, i miss the wolves that used to chase me
but for the most part, I don't.
i know they will be back
for more heartbreak
a sad woman is worth more than a million happy ones
the currency of pain: to feel anything in a country so numb
is a delicacy
just a gram of her sadness
will cost you a piece of your soul but my god
it's worth it a thousand time over
like crack cocaine
they beg me for romance
knowing the high won’t stay
the comedown is coming
the sun is rising with the throbbing craving
for more
addicted to this second hand ache
with
still born stories of hope
laced in hate
a future we can’t hold
we can barley create
in the corners of the town that neither of us claim
curating heartbreak
calling it fate.
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