blank state

love exposes you and that scares me. 
my heart has been fenced off, like a crime scene,please look down or look away,please. the guarded fragile woman and her restless nerves...returning.
i suppose I've held back,gone home and gone to bed.
i run from the openness of  that man... all the while holding a longing that just keeps on...lasting.
and here he is :
at last.
like a dream that has left his mark
waking up asking the pain why it came back,
hitting panic mode,back to fevers,back to aches
back to the cruelty of loving him once again,instantly.
returning to that nightmare where I'm waking up on a sidewalk or a car or a stuffy hotel room and he is gone and he,he is just silent.