KILL IT BEFORE IT KILLS YOU.

i don't know the amount of years I've been here. if my memory was wiped right now i couldn't tell you what age i felt or how sick i feel. it would all just feel like the same as it did yesterday. there are stories of men who come back from the war. their lives were concentrated and intensified.they see a world the rest of us only see the commercial for. the rest of us can turn on the news when we want and turn it off when we want. we can walk by a television set and see a man in uniform fighting a war and  feel nothing,because if we begin to see things for what they truly are,if begin to seek out truth,all kinds of truth,big truth little truth,worldview truth,god truth,self truth,fashion truth,poetic truth,romance truth,love truth....then we enter into what is the truest reality of them all....the supernatural. just as a solider sees things at war and forever is changed so is the man who sees things on his own battlefield and is forever changed.  

i heard from someone much older than me that life will never feel the way i think it should feel. 

when you have a big picture mindset you despise those people who come along with their summaries of life or their quick fixes. you hate small talk. gossip is irrelevant. you go along with things but you always feel miserable.
when you have a small picture mindset you might be a bit predictable and boring and you might be selfish.

an extreme is a negative,with a single exception. is this right?

i just wanted to put down in writing that i have been through  a massive war. i  am so deeply humbled by this. i am living in this state of shock.i am in shock. and i am seeing and feeling things that most people seem to turn off. 

don't try to summarize things. don't try and put a period on a ...
you do this and you shoot yourself in the foot

you have not seen what your friend has seen. you have not felt what your friend has felt.

i am not worried. i am not crying for myself. 


some days i am so blank and exhausted. a past love or a best friend becomes the "FACE" of  the battlefield.

we convince ourselves its them. its only them. that we must conquer or kill or love or run away from or we call it unfinished business and spend our lives in delusion. we destroy them unknowingly with our emotional dependency. 


your battlefield is not a human being,your battlefield is: your brain and the fight between conscious and unconscious living. 
its not a person. its not a person. its not a person.

the solider who comes home from battle.suffers post trauma, turns to chemicals hoping to mute the pain...AS IFyou can earase knowledge  AS IF you can UNSEE the seen! /
is the MAN who deceives himself into thinking that a human being is solely responsible for his pain.

truth is a heavy weight we who seek it will carry with us ...for the rest of our time on earth.
//
the weight of delusion and self destruction is heavier,and it will make you do things. bad things
you will  kill yourself trying to hide from it//worse you will kill those around you.

don't do it. kill it. kill it before it kills you. kill it before it kills them.

what you do not kill,will kill you.