to seek

There are many different causes for ones soul to cry out to the deepest part of something

it is said: that there is a holy tension where our humanity is longing to be with its divinity
that longing has never ceased to pull and scream and be consistent from the deepest most
secret part of my being...I just can't seem to figure out the part about the other longing
inside of us all. that longing for a companion.
all I ever long for is something that resembles actual purity
not just words that sound nice
or temporary actions that resemble something genuine.

living on this earth with another person would be miserable if your partner
could not even fathom the deep.

I long for the secret things
the pretty kind
I long to hear his voice everyday
and sometimes I feel like
how is there room for anyone else?
how will my walls be able to be burnt down
how will God feel about me loving someone so much
as well?

The thing about love is
our creator is the entirety of it

which is comforting

I worry sometimes I haven't fought hard enough
or i've missed something in the chapter
There is so much more I could be
there are so many more people I would love to help

the experience and longing of helping others is completely humbling
the concept of being someone that another person will love despite everything
is frightening. I hate failure. I hate letting people down.

I have come to realize how insignificant I am in the grand scheme
and how terribly wretched we are without love
or apart from the magnificent companionship we are designed to have with this almighty creator

over and over this is engraved on my heart

"Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over

psalm 42:7

i can't shake it
I wouldn't dare

I cant hear him
not even in the silence

not even in the valley
not even when I'm screaming
please please please

despite all of this
he is there
he is here
he is everywhere

thank you.

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