oswald

i turned over in my bed this morning
after having a cold morning with my smallest brother
by the fire. his bedroom of choice: the fireplace
out of the thousands of rooms in our house
we kept playing the same game,and I kept forgetting I was older

my mom was making coffee
my sister was on the piano
playing that again
that piece
and it was just so haunting.
my father had just preached a sermon
and he is watching football on tv
the older brothers were by his side

and everything is right.

beep beep beep
bang bang bang

i wake up.
and I am on a forgein soil
in a tiny bedroom
with a million people around me
not one of them my family

they don't even know my middle name.


so i think to myself
this can't be
and i say
on repeat
"go back. go back. go back to sleep"

and i slept
and i woke up
and I just weep.


the music i make with my sister
its idle
and i hate that.



to church I walked this evening
alone
all in black
with my head down
i felt so defeated

and i tell myself

grow up
suck in
hold it back


the music plays
and everyone raises there hands
and they clap
and they sing
and i stand there
and i just weep

i've become a faucet
alone in a forgien country
with tendencies
and a bed that is to short
so my feet hang off the end

im so sorry I never loved you enough

sometimes you have to go so far away from everything in order to realize how small you are.

and how wonderful the smell of your town is
and how great your friends flaws are.


I drove passed an aiprort yesterday
twice

oswald airport
sent chills down my spine

so i wrote the name on my hand
and yea,people don't stop askin
so i keep making up new stories like

"oh just my first child"
"oh,just some guy"

lies.

airport signs make me happy
like a shot of endorphins


i drove passed an airpoirt yesterday
and the very sight made me so happy

i don't think my idea of home is ready to leave

and i won't apology for that

i am vunerability
and she is me.

and i drive passed oswald the other day
and it made me so happy.


i am she.