anxious love notes: and a plane flight.

unfortunately I had nothing to offer you but a long string of silences and the historic idea of two and love and mourning and sorrow ,perhaps even some rejoicing. because when i worry,i tell myself no. and when i day dream. i think of everything that is lovely and nothing that is my own. on days like these I write down how i could love you. not through soft billows of blankets,of egyptian cotton and in lace,not through stars that were purchased overseas,across the border,only for me.not through twisted words formed together to sound so pretty,and convincing yet some how quite forgettable all the same. not when my hair is tinted,and lashes so thick shaped like an ark. not in your best suit,with a trimmend beard and polished shoes just right will i only love you,not when you are decorated,and when you smell of cigarettes and beer or whiskey or wine. a combination so lovely,yet fleeting,fleeting in a matter of time. not only when you are lovely,and i am happy and our wealth outweighs the poverty that is in sight.

though:

cities divide and now oceans of separations take their claim in between my existence and what could of been. not under the same city lights. not under the same moon,with the same clock,with the same highway and the same central/eastern time. not only in english. but in every language will i express this joy. and i will sit and i will wait and i will die until there are new ways to say this word. so over used. so tierd. so precise. and in your failures will i sing your praises. and when you weep m eyes shall imitate. and when you sail,i will test the waters and beg of them not to change. i will beg them to be still.and i will watch you sail back,and i will love you when trips last for days,then years,then life.
i love you without knowing your daily routines
without knowing you have such tendencies.
in florescent and in natural light
in obscurities rather than,rather than.

like little broken feathers
that pull together so tight
like invisible fingers
touching silently in the night.
and when we first found eachothers eyes
for the first time,oh the first time.
i will love you. i will love you.
despite despite.
despite.