SNOWING IN FLORIDA

From the archives. 2011.

went to a clinic down in florida

went to a doctor who examined me naked

stood outside the hospital doors just standing

stopped asking questions because I'm just so sick of talking.

he: touched my stomach my chest my feet my thighs my mouth my ribs my knees my my hips my fingers my toes my legs my arms my face my head my ears my back my heart my shins my spine 

he: went through the entire physical without looking me in the eyes.

examination room was freezing cold

waiting room was crowded with anxiety bad smells common people it was also:

freezing cold.

noticing:

people were here to die,just dying

(i kept looking around desperate for someone clinging on to life the way i was)

some people out there just give up on living all together

you realize there is no pill you can swallow no song you can sing no vacation you can take no mouth you can kiss no fling you can have -no dress you can wear no smell that will distract no film that will make you laugh nothing you can bear to eat not one book you can read not a good nights sleep you can get- not a car you can drive no eastern remedy nor western plan you can be no art you can see no words you can speak no ship no sea just nothing nothing can help you sometimes and with this discovery most people I've seen just give up on living because the pain is just too strong its all just too much when everything goes totally wrong,real bad people just freeze up curl up and die on the side of the rode but

i was thinking : well...well..you see I'm already hurting so how about a little bit of self made shock therapy.

You see no one asked me if my heart was broken 

in hospitals they only check the beat.

You see i have felt responsible for ALL of this and then suddenly one day someone comes along with a PhD and tells me that its not all my fault,and then suddenly,suddenly...im free (er) than usual.

THIS WHOLE TIME: you were sick,and now i feel it and im so sorry i didn't feel your sickness for you. im so sorry i didn't hold you longer and cry harder. do you even remember me? do you realize what this distance has done for the bad and good of both of our lives?

THE DOCTOR ASKED ME WHY I WAS SO SAD-I SHOOK MY HEAD.

IT WAS SNOWING IN FLORIDA,IT WAS SNOWING AND I WAS DRAWING A BLANK

TALL PALE SLENDER TALL PALE SLENDER FEMALE FRENCH JEW CHRISTIAN

BLANK.