a piano.

you wait for the piano to play herself

i have to close my eyes when i see frightening images,not even typical ones like from horror movies but ones between men and women that break your heart.

feeling empathy for every single person and image and romance and non romance i encounter. feeling everything. feeling feeling feeling.

my emotions are all the ones people try to hide or never claim to have

i have all the bad ones,this is my curse.

self analysis is terrible for me now. i think its just the worst thing i could possibly allow myself to do. 

there used to be this spirit that would come into my bedroom at night from ever since i can remember. the spirit would sit on my chest or stand by my side as i layed in bed and i would become so afraid my mouth would be sealed shut. i would cry but silently and wait for the spirit to go away.i don't know how long it would last,maybe 5 minutes,maybe an hour,time is not "time" in those moments,time is infinite. 

now i am a woman and the spirit sits on my chest less and less. and when he comes i shout in my head and tell him he has no power here,that im not a little girl anymore,he is a coward,and eventually he does float away.

getting paused all the time. in new york my route to work was the f train to the a train and then the a train to the f train home. after months of the same train routine i still had to run over it before i left my apartment. i really hated this about myself and i still do.

fear might be the spirit,im not exactly sure. whatever spirit you are: i see you and i know that i will see you every day for the rest of my life on earth. but i want you to know that i know you are there and i will find a way to get stronger so that i can fight back. 

the piano is not playing herself. 

i sit down to play and make the same noise. i try to think of differnt words and melodies to sing along to the one thing on the pinao i know how to play. i made it up myself. it represents a time when i was 23 and sick. i am still sick but not so much mentally. oneday i would like to be able to play the piano the way my emotions play me. oneday i wont be so sick.

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