pale pools

i wrap myself up..inside myself-
my brain is warm my brain feels like my heart? they pulse the same way-see? put your hand on my brain/listen to it beat just the same way my heart used to-now put your hand on my chest and feel...nothing..its not beating is it? at night i lay down and stretch my legs out,i look at my feet,i page through books,i think about the same 15 things. i hold my breath. i don't know if you are holding yours. but I'm underwater. and I'm holding my breath. coming up for air,i  sometimes see that you are smiling and happy that i am alive-other times you are disappointed that i didn't drown,you are you are- i can feel it through your sentences. i can feel it through the distance. i kept asking you to love me back. i was expecting someone to fight for me.  i don't want you to fix me. that is not your job. i don't want you to teach me a lesson. that is not the point. i want you to tell me to stay. i wanted you to mean it. i wanted to stay.i did. i just get so mixed up sometimes. and its all my brain or my hearts fault. i don't know which. just let me get out of the pool,please.