the dark waters that took me.


the feeling you get 
when for 2 weeks all you have done
is simply drowned out your thoughts
neglected your soul,filled up your days 
with parties,and people,and working
and feeling sad all the time,and
 pretending to be happy

or maybe you are physically sick 
and all you want to do is not think about it
and you try to drown it out with books 
or art or sewing,or songs... 
but none of these things fix you
all these things still leave you feeling lone.

and you feel old. 
and you try to talk to someone 
ANYONE about it -but
who understands?
no one does.(your telling yourself this at least) 

you go home 
and you look at your face
you think to yourself...
damn...my face....
is not my own
and i am 22 and i-
am tired,and i
am sick,and i 
am alone.
art is not the same.
books are not the same AND
love,love is not the same.

to feel this old,and wise
and dumber than everyone else
in the whole wide world.

you look at the very art
you have made over your years on earth. 
you look 
through all of your paintings
through all your journals
through the heaps of clothing
you've started to make but
never finished. 
reading through old letters.... 
you are reminded of your capabilities
of how much you just tend to  b l e e d. 

one by one,you read through
your own sentences 
with thousands of 
promises-and all these emotions
and all these secrets 
that you've shared with someone 
who at the time 
seemed as though 
he
was the only person 
who could know
who would treasure your secrets
and your fears and 
your excitements and 
--guard them as if they were his own.

shifting
you move,your eyes away 
from the letters
you close your laptop
you turn off your phone
and you wonder,where 
that person is- 
and if 
they are even the same person
you once loved

you wonder 
if the hurt you caused them long ago
still stings.
praying under your breath-
god i hope it doesn't still hurt
god im so sorry.

just in case it does....
you hurt....
on purpose...
you make yourself hurt or
 just  feel something
because its all your fault
you keep thinking- 
they are hurt and 
its all your fault 
and i pushed,i pushed you away.

behaviors of my heart--
i hope to oneday fully understand this
but,my god 
some days i feel so old. 
i feel like my lifetime 
has been 1000 years long 

and i wonder how 
anything in life could ever feel happy again
like it did when i loved you 
and you loved me and i wasn't sick.  

i choose
most of the time- to be alone. 
and I think most of us do.
each day: feeling more 
and more and 
saying less and less.

late last year 
when I started to really get sick 
(physically)
 I had no idea it would last this long.

the good days I have
i treasure. 
the days when my body feels young
and my heart feels full
and the books:
the books seem fuller
and my mind....
my head
my emotions 
they come back
for moments and I remember 
how wonderful 
and precious it is to be alive.

then the darkness comes.
the illness that overtook me-
i was blindsided.i really
really never saw this coming.

laying 
on the doctors table-
week after week 
the nurse comes in
to draw my blood,
and she can't find a vein
and she is asking me about-
my garden
and i 
regretfully inform her 
that my garden is haunted
and the roses are dead 
and the honeysuckle is lonely
because the hummingbirds just don't 
come round anymore.

i lay there,and its freezing 
and i think about all the places i should be:
the hand i should be holding
all the minds i want to know
all the countries i miss
all the people i love so much
and how i've never told them properly.

i think to myself "run"
i ask myself
why can't you just be strong??

oh but love
love is a current in these times:
love is like an ocean:
persistent,strong,constant.

pure love
it pushes me
love grabs me with all that it is 
in weakness
love holds my steady
love conquers each mountain
and it gives me hope.

this divine love
its quite unexplainable 
it is undeniable

how is it?
that in the lowest of my moments
in the darkest of my days
despite my weakness
love speaks: oneday i will be healed.

i must not ever EVER forget
what a blessing it is 
to feel everything
to feel this physical and emotional pain 
each day
without my painful seasons of  life 
(no matter how long it lasts) 
i remember 
that without it-
i would go through
the rest of my life with 
a fraction 
of the empathy
of love 
of compassion 
i have for those who are hurting now.
even those without a physical illness--
people with heartbreaks
hopelessness,depression,anxiety:
feeling lone 
is something almost just
 as painful as a physical sickness itself.

sickness pitches her tent
and she stays awhile.
joy might not come in the morning
death might linger for awhile
death might stalk you
but my god -hope does comes. 
healing comes.redemption and restoration-comes.

how lovely is his dwelling pace.

his promises-
i remember the one man 
who loves me unconditionally
who did not have to choose me
i've done
who has already died for me
who has loved me
in the lowest moments of my life
who comforts me 
in my times of despair.
who has healed the sick
and who will heal me. 
who treasures me 
and loves me unconditionally.
i will never be worthy of this
and there is nothing I can do 
to make him love me more.
nothing

this kind of love is what i strive for. 
i want to love like Jesus.

i want to love with a pure heart
love that is  not self seeking
without pride
to love:
without ever stirring up 
any false hope or expectation
to love with honesty
to love without holding offense 
to love uncondtionally.
to above all else,just love.
to never ever let bitterness have a place in my heart.

despite my circumstances.

beyond my own understanding,i choose to seek light.

i choose love.