unpredictable, unstable, capricious; consistent, regular,stable.




my brain feels like its breaking each day comes in,and each day-goes out
I clench my fist 
each time you speak up and tell me
 that this is out of control
and unusual
radically erratic,crazy-yes and who cares,who worries about that really?
--crazy girl...you have the largest pupils i have ever seen,are you OK??--
---I was born this way
--your pupils....they take up your whole face
---i was born this way. 
--moonchild,freak,cancerous tendencies.

some days
 i would walk around the city 
just crying.
 I would try to hide my eyes and face
 from strangers passing but it was like they could feel the sadness.

day 9.

 Ludlow st. 
8pm and i was 39 hours no sleep 
and one orange slice in my stomach since 
the previous tuesday. 
crying. 
people staring,mostly men 
saying
"i can make it all better baby."oh.  
i avoid eye contact totally.

your thinking of only one man. 
and how you wish you weren't.
 because he doesn't love you
and you don't love him. 
but like leaches you need
 one another-to get through
 the sickness
to suck.to drain.to make frail
-each others frame.
emotionless motion.
you give and you take.


and your crying on a train. 
and your looking in the mirror
 at your ribcage
your thinking: 
how strange. 
your back on the train 
holding his hand and thinking....thinking away.


life ends a little bit each day.


like bags of bones
dried
up
we wander
and we groan.